notebook

tue, apr 23 ~ 9pm

bought a whole 500gram thing of unsliced unflavored (merely salted) bacon today, wild level of physicality in slicing it up myself, aware that this is a chunk of a Once Living Being. meat from the side of a pig. but it feels like a more respectful form of meat in some sense, than some others i like texture-wise (some just being Undefined Blended Meatstuff really haha). hopefully this pig had a kind enough life

adjacently thinking about how some estonian company thing dedicated to checking the efficiency of animal husbandry publishes monthly statistics about the names of dairy cows, alphabetically and by frequency (for names upon 10 (registered i guess) cows or more). it's only in estonian, but the dairy cow name stats are within here. my first name is on the first page frequency-wise which is lowkey wild. but some of the names are funny. 28 dairy cows named volvo! (naturally i currently also check for oli and surely enough there's 14 as of april 1st. which i apparently also checked a year ago as per dm-s with bestie and it was 14 then too lol, 27 volvo then tho)

my parents have this semidomesticated crow that dwells at their house/gardenplot for a longer while now, whom they've named viktor. they give the crow foodstuffs pretty frequently, and the crow occasionally chases away herons and such (some of which could otherwise moderately endanger the pond fish). pretty cute, the vague symbiosis of some kind, and the having named the crow.

kind of feeling like writing down about the recent trips, so:

march 28-29 helsinki club zero nite trip highlights (non-chronological)

• ended up listening thru frame of a fauna by ouri a couple of times while in transit within helsinki, from the harbour to the hostel and later from the hostel back to the harbour and while waiting to board the ferry. the album really hit during then.
• that reminds me the sunset during the ferry ride from tallinn to there was so nice... lingered for a while on the sun wind deck, listened to go oli go / cartoon smile on loop alternatingly. sang to the wind, quietly
• some handrail at the sun deck was rattling really rhythmically at one point, it was so funny, i was wondering where tf indoors the drumming sound was coming from!!! there were like 2 music acts playing somewhere on the ferry, and i caught the secret 3rd thing! it was very jazzy.
• was rlly cute to get to hang out w a couple friends at the club zero nite, again in both cases. one of em flew in from the uk, he had a couple vacationdays to use up and decided to make a lil weekend of it :,) the other a helsinki local, i've met him like i don't know, 5 times by now? either way was so nice
• the hostel i stay at whenever i catch something at ääniwalli (cos of it being super close, and the hostel rly cheap, at least for the time being) has some arcade machines, one or two of them have tekken 6 on them, when i passed by on my way to eat before heading out i lingered for a bit watching two guys play on one, one of them offered i come try too, i should've taken up the offer haha
• had a lot of fun during oli's set ! though i'm a bit of a lily-mix-4-process-dj-sets veteran by now, but being accompanied by friends and oli seeming rly in his element for this one (read: really looking like he had fun too, and he did mention later that he had fun) enhanced this shit by a lot, and holding my phone to my side recording the whole set didn't stop me from having a lot of fun!!
  • i guess i respect mfs that prefer dj-s that keep a steady vibe going or whatnot, and i respect dj-s that keep a steady vibe going, but sometimes girls just want to have fun or whatever!! long as there's fun had all across the board (looking at you, ecco trolling boiler room in stockholm a while back hahahah i wasnt there myself but heard of shit barely having been fucking audible). and i got some stupidly big familiarity bias or whatever going on in oli's case, but at the same time this lets me tune in to the subtleties! of the transitions and all
• had my light-up wings on my hat lit up all night pretty much (ig post about the wings, maybe i'll put something on the site too one day), the batteries were on their way out so they weren't lit obnoxiously brightly at all, had a few people compliment me on them throughout the night, and oli said something nice about them too when i got to talk with him a bit after the sets, but i forgot entirely what haha
• caught wind of some afterparty type thing going on, uk friend and i ended up walking the whole way, like half an hour or so, it felt refreshing (he remarked something about how he doesnt feel like hes gonna get stabbed in there haha, i take this for granted honestly; it having been like 6am of good friday it was really quiet in town)... we ended up only staying there for a bit, sleep was calling.
• it'd been sunny in tallinn the afternoon of the 28th which was really nice - spent some time at a tram stop between the bus station and the harbour, reading the book i had with me. listening to the tram sounds on occasion, the newer ones have such a fun eeeeee-(pewww) sound upon accelerating.
• the next day round noon / early afternoon it was full overcast and slightly drizzly there, but it was very light still, very refreshing, appreciable on a mere couple hours of sleep. ended up stumbling upon malibu on shuffle which hit nicely (so far out of love, in particular)
  • and then off shuffle i landed upon rough and beautiful place by mydreamfever (parannoul's main stuff has barely latched to my brain, but this album's really nice), had me feeling emotional highkey. lingered at the aforementioned tram stop for some while, while feeling some barely describable delicate interconnectedness of everything...
  • had to hold back tears, didn't want to embarrass myself haha, but then later on i of course thought about how that album taps into my heart pretty similarly to beloved cartoon smile, nearly bawled while walking, it felt beautifully intense / intensely beautiful. i guess this shit unlocked the potential beauty and real refreshingness of an average light-overcast drizzly day, for me.

april 4-8 london trance party + amsterdam patrick wolf show trip highlights (also non-chrono)

• it was funny to escape ridiculously impromptu-snowy weather to warmer places, and then end up returning to decently warm spring weather
• the hostel i stayed at in london had a kitchen (amsterdam one did not, im not sure if thats a fucking common occurrence w those there or what haha, felt so out of my depth at first, but anyway), it was nice to cook some decent enough food for myself there, save a bit as opposed to if i'd gone to eat out or some shit
• chats n chills at the smokers at trance party (despite not being a smoker myself, but was nice to just hang in fresher air) - at one point a couple friends of friends there were chatting about how they'd gone to some scientology convention or some shit recently as of then, pretty amusing
• room 2 at tp had cool-ass lasers goin on. lingered largely there during ripsquad's set ngl, faery was on during then, very deep set (sound-wise)
• i dropped off lil paper cranes to most of the lot too, including evian and seretide finally, to cute reactions but idk how many of the lot really absorbed the cranes into their belongings so to say!
• nice spring-y sunrise walk back to hostel after the event. saw a couple undefined-to-me trees in full bloom
• the part from the patrick wolf solo show that's lingered in my mind the longest was the lil cameo from the towans (the hidden song at the end of land's end - i keep forgetting it's called that, have to look it up every time, and didn't even know it had its own name when i listened to pw more a decade back), performed differently than it appears in studio ver (shit's almost 20 yrs old, 'course it would be tbh !! hahah), was rly cool to me cos land's end is one of the songs that's been slightly more at the forefront for me from his discog. i didn't record it, but i hope someone did and uploaded that or something. anyway i was glad to hear a few other favs too
• and in general was pretty cool to hear different takes on tunes from his early discog (in addition to the recentmore songs)... recontextualization of one's youth :-D and also the occasional lil stories between songs, to the point where he said at one point during the show he's trying not to have like a talking show or smth hahaha
• did also get to meet a friend at the pw show, but only prior to the thing cos the show was seated and we were sat separately haha
• thoughts.page crosspost from when i disembarked in london: "young kid (maybe 5 idk) saying bye-bye airplane upon disembarking thats so cute"

okay i think that's all for now... it's almost 10pm now, i ought to prep for bed soon.

thu, apr 18 ~ 9pm

the aforementioned trip went nicely, the workbreaktime trip went overall nicely too, i'm barely in the mood to write about anything cos i'm a bit under the weather right now from everything feeling so fucking arbitrary and life seeming so fragile sometimes and all that. it'll pass, maybe i'll write more another time, maybe about those too, or maybe not. for now feeling a bit reclusive.

the sun has peeked out from the clouds two evenings in a row so i've had sunny walks after work these past couple of days, a bit of a morale boost. heavily feel like i need to rearrange my priorities. but i did back up my 2024 pics onto my laptop the other day, tho not sorted most of them yet (just the ones from the trips into their own folders).

wed, mar 27 ~ 10pm

helsinki music event trip tomorrow, and i'm rather excited. i haven't even packed yet though, i want to pack some food with me (maybe sandwichstuffs), and i might grab either my crochet project (improvising a lil standalone hood from some kinda cool yarn. least i have foldable scissors in my wallet so there's no worry with those) or a book or two i have from the library with me so i would advance on them during the transiting there or back, if i'm not napping or enjoying the window views. need to check in online to the hostel too... maybe on the bus tomorrow, when i got both my phone and my wallet at hand.

might go for the crochet project to go, least i can sort of do that and gazing out the window a little more simultaneously than reading, though might still grab one of the books with me too, maybe one of the ones i haven't started yet. i got 3 books from the radio+telecomms section last time i was there, cos i had randomly sauntered to that section haha, 2 books on the history of estonian telecomms (one across 100 years, the other focusing on 2000-2020), and one book with selected transcribed interviews from a radio show (hosting those of interviews between parent-and-child known estonian people).

i have to clean my room and/or put some of my non-child-friendly clutter away before leaving, have halfbro ft wife and 2 kids comin by tomorrow thru saturday, the timing is really funny, 2nd time in a row this (i.e. me being away for their visit) has happened with them !! maybe i'll peruse the inside of my bed-box honestly, for the time being it could work.

my shoulder let up by yesterday evening fortunately, slightly overexerted my back though at work, but it's mostly let up too now with some rest, which is good... my cat's been sleeping on my lap for the past couple hours i think, should get up and pack and clean and go to sleep, i leave rather early tomorrow.

think i might simply add notebook updates into the changelog in post, whenever updating other shit on the site. could be an ok approach for that.

mon, mar 25 ~ 9:30-10:30pm

been out of it much of today, my right shoulder been giving me pain w some movements today, mustve pulled it, and i also slept badly, only fell asleep around 1am if not later, and my cat woke up my 6th sense of knowing when shes going to throw up at fucking 5am, had to quickly get her off the windowsill, ended up breaking a few of the star-shaped glass ornaments i had hanging at my window (3 of 12). though maybe the broken ones have some sort of value to them too... they all just got one corner each shattered off them. but i feel like i must've pulled my shoulder then too. had a bit of a terrible time some of today at work, and it got me on edge emotionally in the evening, that and some other shit. i only have enough energy for a notebook blurb tonight in lieu of more intricate site updates, so everything today will go here, and then i will go to sleep.

note to self: adjust .hrlite in the css
note not to self: dont think im arsed anymore to page notebook updates into the changelog. i want to make updating this bit as low-stakes for myself as i can, for moments such as this.

a few more links wrt palestine, into here while i havent made a separate page or some such for now, to complement the shit via hillhouse's link the button on main currently links to

• insta accs letstalkpalestine n letstalkpalestine2, the latter posts daily updates
• stumbled upon an essay the other day, notes on craft: writing in the hour of genocice by fargo nissim tbakhi, from dec 8 2023, via i forget which substack i was looking at. gonna highlight one bit:
  

  In this way, what the long middle of revolution requires, what Palestine requires, is an approach to writing whose primary purpose is to gather others up with us, to generate within them an energy which their bodies cannot translate into anything but revolutionary movement.

• kind of relatedly, someone's comment from under this post by @gendersauce, replying to someone who says theyve been feeling numb but still been taking action: "I don't think how we who are not directly affected *feel* about it really matters at all, unless it spurs action. Actions matter."
  • (but tangentially, as a bit of a balm, theres also this recent post from them.
    "I am one knot in the great fisherman's net. I keep myself strong so that we are strong together." needed that.)

admittedly i might mostly be straight too swept up by the everyday etc most of the time (n work tires me out too much at times) for meaningful irl action type shit, plus the fact i live slightly unfeasibly far from the bigger cities... (gestures) yeh. i do what i can, thru the 'nets mostly.

omw home from work i stopped by the stream running thru town, at a part where theres some rocks in it and a lil water cascade, over the rocks. listened for some bit. i'd been feeling on edge from the aforementioned shoulder pain, and it kind of trudging up some emotional wounds in me for some reason too. felt earlier like venting about those in here too, but not for now... but, everything felt (feels) so absurd, like, what all this bullshit for. wanted to cry, opted for shedding a few tears.

re: oliponders, i started rotating the thought of adding the following pic, from the cover of oli xl's instance for year0001's sounds playlists, from four years ago oops, into the oliponders' secret id=cute section too... sorry if you're oli (the thought of him stumbling upon this site lives in my head acutely whenever i add to the oliponders - i have my site linked in all my active social media etc bios) but, the eyes, ok.

peek-a-boo

im very normal

okay that's all. good night.

tue, mar 12 ~ 10pm

i've been listening to ribbon bone by instupendo and oli xl all evening on loop (on my old mp3 player, out of inertia really. so no lastfm scrobbles from this). it's one of those evenings. mostly the silk chaser version, the one supposed to be on oli's eventual album... calculated off of my last.fm scrobbles that i've heard oli say pay attention at least 39 thousand times. yeah ive listened to the tune over 1500 times combined. but, do i fuckin pay attention. (the phrase repeats 24 times in silk chaser ver, 26 in chalk dancer, the one on instupendo's love power a-to-z album. at least if i counted correctly. im just in some flow a lot of the time when listening to oli and adjacent)

have mostly been flowing in the stupid mundaneity a lot of the time lately, haven't really felt the need to blurb about much publicly. got plans for the site tho, eventually will deal w em...!!

i've been selectively deleting a big bulk of my older tumblr posts/reblogs, after having archived the posts a couple weeks back. not solely but still largely because i've kind of just been passively wondering about how i'd wanna continue existing online. (but also did find the exact post im referring to whenever i go like historical times, and wtf do i do ... laundry, barely. because i really do still be doing laundry, barely...)

this blurb of thoughts from kinluwi tapping a lil further into some of the aspects of the wondering. so real. (also trawling thru the links the person got in the link recs page n damn i gotta read the should data expire thing in full. fuck it, maybe once ive crawled to bed n before i sleep)
relatedly, this post bout perusing social media as mere websites that i've kept around as link for a longer while now has kind of silently prodded me to currently alternate between being logged on into nothing of such sort on my phone and logging in and out of discord and instagram in particular on there... and i mean theres plenty other writing out there about this typa shit.

but it's kind of a relieving thing to sorta have stopped expecting myself to get back to people or things online immediately. helps that like all of the online friends i have, and even my semi-irl bestie and other semi-irl friends, seem to be the same way at least in relation to me for plenty reasons (busy life, limited energy, timezones, whatever). shoutout.