notebook

ended up feeling rather terrible last night before sleep, vented out a whole hidden thing on my thoughts.page, longer than some of my entries in here, spent a whole hour with that. but i guess i needed to get that out somehow.

tonight in one of my few confirmed home-alone few-hour times i've managed to make rather banger biscuit dessert, and rearranged my room finally, had been meaning to for some time. i might be happy with this setup, need some getting used to and a little bit of surface decluttering + this continual going thru shit at variable pace... but other than that, this might work quite well.

[context: i was importing frames into gimp to make a gif, and:]
óˇk~first of all le`t^ˇm~e~imme´mõ~rialize the sau`c~y things gimp^~tends to do to my keyboard out`pˇuˇt~while i o´peˇnˇthings as layers on`î~t as a batch, loo`k it's kind of ´f´u^nˇny to me. discount zalĝo lookin ass téˇxt. its~banger. probably not vèˇrˇy s^c~reen reader friendly but what the hell.
im not very sure why it does this! but it's lowkey quite funny.

too lazy to write anything else in this notebook tonight so this will have to do, gonna walk off into the oliponders now

i did end up experimenting with the coconut palm sugar icing that night - managed to maintain silent-mode by sifting thru much of it to get the more coarse stuff out, didn't even need any further powdering, worked really well in icing form even though the regular plastic bag i used as icing bag was floppy as fuck, and the icing quite liquid itself, but surprisingly it didn't overflow by much at all once on the gingerbreads. taste? really beautiful. carameliness to it as expected. quite rich. would make again. ate the last of them earlier today, and the two friends i gave a few each also finished em in less than a day really. i entertained the thought of giving oli xl one too, but i felt too shy to speak with him much this time round. but, all good!

rift xl? overall nice! missed most of the esp set though >:-( but there'll be more opportunities i guess. at least jawnino's set (which partly overlapped with esp's) was cool as fuck too. and, time's starting to feel a little too much like a flat fucking circle from how many times ive caught oli now hahaha but it's cool! gave the lil letter this time after all too... and i had a big fucking burger meal at max prior to all that, some mighty mozzarella plant beef burger thing n cheese fries n a smoothie. fortunately didn't fuck me up, the sheer amount, guess i balanced it out by eating it slow enough and with all the dancing etc afterward. maybe i'll scrawl a more detailed log about all this in the event travel logs sometime.

i have 4 days off at hand right now. will try to make the okayest amount of them. today i've cleaned out my laptop's desktop and start menu shortcuts. wondering if to go in on cleaning stuff on the laptop more or do some cleaning irl too... really feel this urge to go in on this either way, some sort of 'if not now, then when' type thing...
yesterday i put up a long set of (warm white) string lights, all around my room. a couple of the led-s on it are bust but i'm not annoyed enough to make this anyone else's problem.

i miss riding around with the kick scooter a little, but can't bother to do it in this cold sometimes-wet weather. something to look forward to for next spring-summer. i've been thinking about buying new wheels for it though, have a thing of em bookmarked, might as well sometime, not that they'd get any cheaper.

strolled into the grocery store for bananas, and (actual) bananas i did get, and strepsils and masks from the pharmacy, but also These Three Fuckers For Seventeen Euro Total.

also im 28 now. what about it... i haven't packed for the rift xl trip yet, i really should.

i haven't even got around to making the icing for the gingerbreads i wanna decorate and then take some with me yet, and it might be a liiiiiiittle too late to grind the sugar for it - we may have no powdered sugar, unless the small stash is still there, will have to see. we do have a neat new stand mixer with powdering possibility but, it's a bit Loud and my parents may be Sleeping. (and even then i would like to experiment with adding at least some powdered coconut palm sugar in the icing this time around... i do have some, BUT will def have to powder it first. i mixed my current batch of cocoa-drink mix powder with that too, quite rich flavour.)

also been wanting to scribble oli a little letter of (continual) gratitude but ive been a little shy to advance past draft form + i'd not had the energy the past couple of days, didn't even listen to shit (except for calm radioing at work) on wednesday and thursday. will see cos rly wanna stillllll......

today things have been feeling clearer on the health front. got some decatylen from my parents yesterday, maybe it helped a bit with the throat - my voice was threatening to go away at one point!! but now things seem more fine. nose been only a little bit snotty too... will still grab masks with me on the trip, to be safe, and not to descend possible Post-YEAR0001-Rift Sickness upon anyone else... i caught some bullshit the first time i went to one of those which cucked me out of seeing oli xl in helsinki later that month (sept 2022) and, as per a friend's footage, hearing him drop cartoon fuckig smile in a dj set RAHHHHHHH (lightheartedly but also im still a little annoyed by this! i wanna hear that song loudly ngl!)

okay!!!! my laptop is running low on battery but the charger is charging my hunk of a power bank right now and i rly gotta figure my shit out for the trip bye!!!!!

list of things

• been fighting some kind of cold which is a bit annoying. have cycled thru scratchy throat (now gone), runny nose (worst yesterday? today i can at least look downward for longer without snot central), slight headache + slight nausea earlier today. hopefully this lets up by saturday or i'll be in hell on the flight(s), at this point will def mask up at rift xl to at least some degree if the symptoms dont let up, or even if they mostly do. i'll have to check my mask situation, allegedly the typical surgical ones might be enough to Protect Others From My Own Bullshit, and i have a tiny stash of em, gonna have to take stock.
• cos of this the brightness of some lights and such have been such an assault on my fragile senses... walked home without my glasses on today, was too overloaded to want to see clearly, and didn't have a very good time with the streetlights of one of the pedestrian paths yesterday.
• somehow i still managed to pull off making a whole load of gingerbreads today - have had earplugs in all evening which has saved my sanity... also managed to wash my hair over a while the other day, while the cold was already setting in. thank u past self
• being in the midst of 4 workdays whilst wrangling with this is kind of hell too, but it's fine i'll survive.
• redid the layout on this page. i like the lowkey-ness of this form (no huge month-separation, just small horizontal rules between months n specials between years; all entries in details tags). took much less effort converting from the prior form to this, bless regex for some of the weightlifting.
• will have to buy cat food very soon... running low.

ive been up all night, no coherent thoughts frm here for now. i want to show the ikea bee plushies though while im bothered to add the pic, theyre very cute. i didnt get the otter with bby cos they got oversold n they returned the money for that. i'd lowkey like the bees to be a little heavier ngl! but i can mod em heavier myself if i was bothered to open a seam on em.

ok im hungry as fuck. time to go source some... food. thankful i dont have work today. been doing some absurd shit this night, alongside some lesssss absurd shit. ordered 5 of 1kg packages of pan di stelle cookies (theyre so so cute, got to eat them a couple years ago when in rome, i miss them...) as i suppose early birthday gift to myself, went to clean the cat litter box, made one nutella sandwich. brushing my teeth. in that order. listening to oli xl significantly slowed down. but mostly just doing fuck-all n discording on the comp. i need to like actually leep after eating.

theres this slightly annoying light that ws recently installed onto the adjacent apartment building, it shines quite brightly right into the windows of this side of this one, including that of my bedroom. but at the same time i have this little faceted glass thing hanging at my window for some time now, and only today did i notice that it's leaving little faintly-rainbow specks of light across some of my room from said light, maybe because i mostly have my string lights on that're currently scheduled to turn off at midnight...

room-temp butter and sliced cheese are nice to have at odd times of night

i managed to do both my loads of laundry (bedsheets at 60°c, clothing at 40) on tuesday evening, and tonight during one of the two for-sure weekly brief few hours home alone i managed to make gingerbread dough. Fucking Unstoppable.

and i've been listening to [redacted] on loop for the past 6 hours...

meant to get around to writing in here earlier tonight but it's whole 11:45pm. i already only got like 5 hours of sleep last night... well, whatever, still wanna.
also: i'll see if to experiment with some sorta more separate-page-per-entry type notebooking... once i have more time.

ridiculous how the most societally mundane shit tends to take too much time and/or energy sometimes, especially while being on the spectrum or whatnot.

i could elaborate on some of the ways i function day to day, but i don't really want to as of now, used to get mediumkey singled out by some for being weird for reasons including this, echoes a bit to this day even though im not sure any of them would care enough to find me here... but! somehow i'm still socially presentable and everything, so maybe things work out okay enough. i've been like this with such since middle school, mind, hence the singling-out mention. but i try to be as diligent with my teeth as possible, for my own sake. maybe one nice thing about going to the local spa and sauna center on occasion is being more diligent w the clean(s)ing...

i wanted to do some laundry last week during my workbreak, even just the bedsheets, but somehow didn't even get round to it truly. at this point i might try to do the regular load on wednesday eve and the bedsheet load either sometime thursday or tomorrow eve...
also im stupidly overdue on going to the dentist, i don't know. i really should, sometime. not chuffed about having to pay for it, or most of it anyway, what with the scant yearly allowance from the health services thing. strat of starting off with this a little closer to end of year so i could grab the yearly allowances from both this and next year in case some shit were to have to be scheduled into next year...? i'll see. really overdue.

been slow in going thru my room, but even the smallest steps can be nice... tonight i took a bit of time to clean/declutter the surface of the tiny desklike entity to some extent. progress could still be made, but it's much better already. and the other day i finally cleared out some overdue shit from beneath said desklike, feels a little more... spacey. and my room being small any feeling of spaceyness could go a long way. progress could still be made.

first day back at work after the week-long break. nothing too much eventful, but stuff coming in from one of the suppliers included the prettiest little xmas ornament things, plasticky really, white, but they have this opalescent coating, four different options and one of them is this set of 4 little icicles, i'm sooooo tempted to get like. 3 of those. pretty cheap too... (But Somebody Out There Made These Still.)

also, currently the walks to and from just about coincide with sunrise and sunset. the views can be very pretty...

look at this guy...

i'd go on a little about how i'm a little bit[citation needed] obsessed sometimes with a particular pic of oli xl (that i had to place before this bit of text in the end cos of float stupidity i cant bother to figure out) but i get shy hahaha - partly because it's a selfie from his insta story from some months back which, though i think it's in his highlights at the moment, i would not feel entirely comfy hosting on here hahah. but like. wtf it's so hot, the pic. he gotta fucking know that. unfair.

well actually - okay i spent a bit of time (enabling insta app on my phone and disabling it right after but also) digging the pic out via the highlights, it's still there, and. yeah. less hot-mess alt text may commence sometime later when its not literal half quarter to 1am. i already spent a lil stupid amount of time floating that shit. all in the name of, uh. looooooooook.

also no im not putting this in oliponders that shit is indexed by the way too much seeing googly eye. but at this point maybe this shit could eventually be too. almost every time i oliponder on this site i think to myself hi oli if you ever see this?

i'm in another ebb with listening to music, i think.
lately ive been listening to ambience sounds via some noise app or other... partial towards nighttime ambience sounds, some water sounds more quietly, and sometimes brown-noise-adjacent stuff to drown out other stupid noises from around me. and this app i use right now has wind chimes in its choices too which is quite nice too, more on the background of that...

OKAY it's fucking 1am good night

been wanting to write in here lowkey, but manage to forget what ive precisely wanted to write about lol, my life is mostly much of same-old same-old and it feels like there's no point to write about most of that !!

got my week-long workbreak coming up real soon. suppose it'll mostly be a turned-inward type break, have no specific plans for it, except maybe, if i order anything from ikea (the new fucken bee and otter plushies.. etc. set of bed sheets, maybe lil carpet, maybe lil hanging closet-organizer thing...), fetching the order from a couple towns over cos way cheaper than having that shit delivered, fucking homophobic delivery costs even if i were not to order anything heavier and furniture-y.
turned-inward type break, maybe gonna try to clean out a bit (more) of my surroundings. and rest my head, from being way too online, or at least way too aimlessly online. possible annoying menstrual cycle overlap too, so maybe it's for the better i have no travel plans for this break!! (funnily enough on the prior two october workbreaks i caught oli xl do a set both times, but this time that'll be a little later ha)

been tweaking at my site most of noon, want to go to the local spa and sauna center a little later, got paid yesterday and all, and last i went was a little over a couple months ago so why not. wanna avoid the weekend entry fee (20€ as opposed to 12€, though the outdoor saunas only open during weekend but i don't mind not having the opportunity for those) or i'd go on saturday after work or something. also wanna avoid going during my impending period !! haha

im in this annoying limbo of not having much of substance to do online but not having much of spare mental energy to steer myself to doing more of substance offline yet.

went on a tiny trip to catch an event, bought a little chestnut-theme teddy bear at the tallinn airport dutyfree, fuckin 20€ but really cute i couldn't not. deepest darkest secrets under thr chestnut hood (cutest little teddy ears), i said to a friend, and also a lil chestnut leaf cape. autumn companion. maybe club companion from now on too, least for the trips abroad, why not.

not seen my go-to drink-mix-ready cocoa powder in stock in the local grocery stores as of late, so today i bought some 100% cocoa powder to make my own mix, and also got some demerara sugar to mix it with in lieu of the usual white sugar. could be a fun experiment. i've got a stupid amount of groceries lately it feels like, some snacky, some less so. but maybe it feels sufficient, for now. got to calm down, lest i need to bust into my savings account prior to next payday.

the moon's been elusive too, not seen it for a while now though the sky's been largely clear and it should be in first quarter form now(ish). doesn't help that my room's window faces directly north so i'll only see the moon from it a little bit of the time of its whole cycle.

hey ~ been a quiet life still. though went to paavli club fest this weekend and it was good (gonna update the music event log sometime w specifics of who i saw. umru and evian christ were a couple of the highlights).

generally feeling like a wind-up toy in wait, and really subtractive in some sense still (but i'll get to the bottom of that one day!!! lightening the baggage...). currently feeling some indistinct sadness, trying to cozy up in my room before sleep to mellow that.

been a minute! where do i even start?

( mid-nov berlin travel log moved to events log )

as for since then, it's been properly snowy this week, and seems the snow will stick around, which is cute. might go sledding at some point this winter. today at work i got agitated at some points at the tiniest shit, likely cos of social exhaustion cos it was my 3rd workday in a row... at least i'll have sunday and monday off. as for the trips i think i will try to calm down with these, at least for the winter, try for cocoon mode.

had a cuter time tonight - the kids (steppaternal's daughter's two daughters, 7 and 8) came by today and i was tasked to decorate gingerbreads with em:

i might steal a few of them so i could give em to friends in berlin...

i should probably do a bit of preemptive packing for tomorrow before i go to bed, or at least make a list of things to take - i'll have like half an hour between getting home from work and leaving for the bus to airport. gonna have a nice time. i got a random window seat on one of my connecting flights so thats very nice too.

the satisfaction of having baked some gingerbreads...the lonely sadness of having had to do so on my own
though i've never asked for help in the direct process and with foodmaking stuffs i initiate i generally have preferred to do everything on my own mostly cos of having full control over things then, but i dont know, the gingerbread seshes just tire me out having to do everything myself, especially as of the recent couple or so years' bigger seshes... and my back hurts
dont even have the energy to pack any lunch

my neocities site's anniversary today, was gonna do some stuff (unrelatedly to it being the anni) for the site today, but the gingerbread stuff took up too much time today

on my walk home today it snowed so gently... it was sweet to see

at least i'll see friends this weekend

my parents installed a new sink+cabinet set in the bathroom the other day, some glossy-white-coated wood one, nice change from the raggedy old corner, and there's more space to store stuff decently now (my waterpik set fits properly now in the cabinet stuff!). but it's now got a funny contrast with the half-plastered wall - well i mean it is plastered, just that the colours arent consistent lol, theres this big shape on one of the walls that resembles a horse so one of my parents at one point just drew a face and mane on it a long while ago now... bathroom horse.

have been in the process of getting my room more clean... looks pretty okay on the most part already. had to put away the turntable to make space for the cyclamen pot i got for my birthday (didn't want to have it on top of the turntable) but i barely peruse the turntable anyway !! but did finally try my best to rip in all the locked grooves of the plz make it ruins locked grooves compilation yesterday, having my turntable on the floor temporarily...as good a surface as anything. need better record cleaning supplies tho, i straight took compressed air to the dust and hairs this time but need something anti-static for em...

have gone on walks along the lake after work the past couple days despite it having been nearly entirely night by the time my workday ended - but the sunset sky still been glowing really really slightly. mostly because it's been mostly clear the past couple of evenings, saw a lot of stars today in particular (the bit of lakeside i walk along is almost entirely unlit, only by the motion-sensor lights of the lakeside houses there), it was nice...

was setting out the xmas candles at work today, remembered one of the ones with decorative text n stuff havin it wrapped around the glass upside down - this one says it's the most wonderful time of the year or something, with decoration doodles around it - and this time i bought that particular one too. vanilla-scented, have it lit right now and it is indeed vanilla-scented.
i cant lie, part of the reason i felt more compelled this time mighta been cos of spotting oli xl havin upside down in a couple of his online profile bios for a while now (might be twitter and soundcloud, too lazy to check), unsure if as reference-extension of how the title of his track dnL refers to the discontinued 7up flavour or something else entirely.... either way it's fun (the phrase preceding that one, for a while, was get into character... felt that. sometimes we do be getting into character)

the upcoming steppaternal's daughter-and-grandkids visit has ended up overlapping with my upcoming berlin weekend trip (18th-20th) which is so fucking funny cos of the prior overlap with halfbro's fam's visit and my london tranceparty:live trip too!! but also what a shame lowkey w this one, but the kids will b able to catch sight of me before i go (they arrive the day before i leave) :*) and looking forward to making gingerbread dough, part for myself (to bring some to friends i'll be seeing again during the trip !) n part for them (to make gingerbreads from themselves :') tho i wont see the process of that), as well. but will do that once time draws closer.

have been slowly porting over my site to the eleventy workflow as per whiona's guide, tried figuring out a flexbox layout for the cartoon smile zine/shrine/whatnot and broke it (serving locally) in a couple rather funny ways as i edited:

and in general i couldn't really make it look the way i wanted (couldn't figure out how to least messily vertically center the text within the flex item divs without minorly breaking something or other) so i'll proceed to stay with the layout table method in the end cos that mightn't be the worst thing accessibility-wise...

felt mentally slow and sad in the morning, though still managed to get a proper enough breakfast in (pancakes, bacon, cold cocoa), but couldn't rest very well...randomly woke up at 4am, checked my phone for a bit like a clown, and then couldn't properly fully sleep anymore til my 6:25 alarm SMH... and was a bit overwhelmed by having to go to work, but now it's much less so which is nice enough.

i've got to childproof my room a bit before going on the brief trip to catch tranceparty:live, think one of my halfbrothers is visiting with his fam around the same time, and one of my stepfather's daughters is coming to visit with her two kids in a couple of weeks - honestly i dread the former of these a bit more haha, the visits have tended to be a bit stressful, cos the one thing i bear worse than a screaming kid is a grownup yelling at a screaming kid, But ! on the other hand the latter fam visited this summer for the first time and i had a kinda cute time with them. only dread my reaction at em disturbin my peace in my room if i were to wanna rest instead or something hah

had a cute time despite being rather underslept! everything went smoothly, though oli ended up being like 45min late lmao (was supposed to be on from 10pm) but played til 4am which is still nice, all-night enough, though still having had tons of time til my 1pm flight haha so i simply came to the airport to sleep a tiny bit. anyway! i think i (mentally) caught all the upcoming-album tracks he played tucked between the other stuff - have good feeling about that album based off this etc, really look forward to being able to spend time with it (plus the cute tune from the start of the ghent set in aug '22 is still alive too!!!) ! wish i woulda requested cartoon smile right when he wound down his set tho haha, wouldve been an amazing finale 2 me...but he was like "maybe next time" when i told him bout the intent. maybe one day (dont think he will at boiler room fest hahahaha), maybe even live...! who knows.

looked thru several grocery stores for the leibniz kunterbunt cookies in particular, only had luck when i was actually on my way to the venue and decided to drop by a nearby one on a whim which might say a lot hahaha

as for now i think i'll go pass security and then look for coke (The Drink Obviously) cos i'm really craving some, on top of the boringly starchy leftover fries ive still got...or should i wait til i'm in helsinki? i'll see how much the dutyfree price puts me off and act based on that. also it'll be my first time flying with finnair and seeing the helsinki airport, will see how it is but i always appreciate a benevolent new experience.

yesterday i wedged another event onto friday inbetween the aforementioned two events. oli xl of course, allnight dj set, at a venue in berlin ive been wanting to visit, though reading its reviews on google maps has me a bit nervous! hopefully the door staff won't be ass... though i know someone who went to oli's first sesh of the little residency thing at the venue (this'll be the second, of three), could ask for how the vibes were on that night in particular and about some specifics - needa know if i can get by with card payments and if theres an ok place i can leave my whole backpack...

either way, staying at a pretty nice hostel in london right now and looking forward to vegyn tonight, even while having to tame the aforementioned nervousness a bit (and aforeimplied excitement..! last caught a set of oli's nearly a year ago). but for now i've got to eat some breakfast and then visit a nearby grocery store for some more food and hopefully some sort of prepaid sim card with a bit of data cos as i said the roaming cost would be outrageous (fuck u brexit as i specified hahaha - fucking ironic cos most of the uk phone plans i see have their data inclusive to eu fuckin hell)

yesterday after work i went to a fastfoodplace for a burger meal, then did a whole round with one of the town buses while really listening thru rogue intruder soul enhancer... felt very nice. tho i got really sleepy towards the end of the album (and the ride), was halfasleep for much of the last couple of tracks. then went home and proceeded to nap like almost 4 more hours lmao, but i shouldnt fuck up my sleep rhythm too much.
also my eyes feel spent from screentime lowkey, but i'd need to exert huge amounts of willpower not to simply fuck around online + maybe take more of a break from some places... though i did manage to sort through and organize one of my drawers today, which is i guess better than nothing haha, but i lowkey rly wanna clean much of my room before i go travelling from wednesday...! will see.

feel like writing about my day, at least somewhat...

wasnt really bothered to pack lunch for work today, discovered i was on my last pack of instant noodles within my at-work instantfoodstuffs stash (do have a couple of instant potatomash packets there still), just in time for the weeklong break starting after tomorrow(!), and i also ate currently the last of my cereal for breakfast hahaha (alongside the usual sandwiches, and a cup of cocoa)

mostly really just fucked around in there. bummed around on flight rising for some of it, and/or on discord. though i also did rearrange some stuff and stock some stuff... the manager dropped by at one point (shes on sick leave atm but able to work from next mon fortunately), bringing a pack of coffee beans, telling me to rest well during my break (and I Will For Sure).
was looking into js style toggle stuff for some of the online bumming around time, then reckoned i ought to probably start from the basics first! might do so during the break... would be cool, to actually learn something. got a couple links from the mozilla dev site lined up in a memo.

listened to the new ingrate ep during the lunchbreak, recognized a couple of the tunes from dj mixes i've heard prior (either oli xl's or ingrate's)! it's bandcamp friday today, so i bought that and some other things on there... a surprisingly pleasing amount of 2023 things within the tiny haul (of 6 things). gonna push the new things into the list table on my site sometime.

i have a battery tester, as per proverbially stealing a tip from two people that once came to the shop i work at while i was at work to dig thru the discard battery bin to salvage a few with some charge left in em. grabbed a bunch of aa and aaa batteries home today again to test thru em haha, some still salvageable. mildly go thru em both at home (for silly reasons mostly - the fairy lights, and my mp3 player if im in the mood to peruse it more actively) and at work (the storage room doorbell, xmas light samples set out during the xmas season... also the occasional 9v for the sensor-driven frontdoorbell), so it's a silly little moneysaving strat really. the tester i bought cost like 19€, which i guess pays back after some while - and it draws the energy for the voltage display from the battery being tested !

finally washed the cat's food and drink tray (a fancy metal one!) after an absurdly long while tonight, which is nice. stupidly too lazy to clean her litterbox tonight though... maybe tomorrow.

anyway, looking forward to the workbreak ! going to see vegyn live next thursday in london as i've probably mentioned, and i'm also gonna go to helsinki for another music event, mostly drawn to there by the ecco2k dj set lmao, but the whole thing seems interesting. and can meet some friends n such ! heavily considering getting a uk sim card because it isnt even funny at this point lmao, the roaming would be exorbitant cos of fucking brexit (my phone plan has eu-inclusive data)!!! just got to do a lil more research about the providers, or maybe ask around a bit...

the usual mundane existence... sometimes i try to switch over into errand mode in my mind just so i could get some shit done. been more on top of such lately, i'd like to think. got to clean the cat litter box rn tho, might do so once i finish this journal entry... also wash my hair, a bit overdue.

oli xl posted about an event he's on at this friday in berlin, i can't make it cos of work but, he's apparently gonna do the first public-ish test run of his upcoming album there... :') no audio recording of it allowed which is highly respectable. would love to be there, but i'm not salty about not being able to - may be first session of who knows what amount, perhaps as part of some residency w the venue... kwia, it's named. it's tiny but seems very cozy. would love to visit one day. but either way i got fun plans for catching other events within the next couple months, and maybe sometimes i'd rather save up a bit instead of tryin to go to more (though i bet with 85% likelihood i'd at least HEAVILY consider going if i had enough days off around it lol).... and also, just excited about the album seemingly drawing nearer...!!!!! hopefully even this year still (though who knows with warp records' album release pipeline, beyond the evian christ album dropping in a month)

i felt really fragile emotionally last night for silly reason and beyond, though had a decent enough day when it came to doing things... sometimes emotions just be like that! part of it was out of sorta irrational worry somewhere deep within, but it's dispersed by now, which is good

tho also, my heart is full v3: some while back on some wednesday i went on a longer walk, was sort of listening to cartoon smile and such for some of it, felt softly vulnerable. at one point i decided to drop by a wednesdaily church service that was going on, out of shy curiosity. tho those are also broadcast online (my parents go to the particular congregation, hence me knowing), and the guy that was overseeing the streaming rig had (i presume) his son with him, around primary school age, and the latter was all sleeping on the guy's lap for some of it. felt very touched by that, kept wanting to cry just cos of that

i check some things online like twice a day these days. some nice cadence to it (i go thru stretches of time of refusing to be logged in on twi and insta on my phone, hence. think i'll reenable insta on my phone round the times i go on brief music-event-enabled trips in the coming months, will only be with my phone during those. but, other than that - fuck it, for now, probably)

ecco2k posted something new on instagram - it's cute to see a bunch of the ppl i follow in the post's likes. ambient online existence, or whatnot. (yeah i mediumkey do also look for a cheeky oli xl in the likes...i guess a carryover from when he'd posted a worrying insta story last year and my worry was soothed by seeing him in the likes of a recent-of-then ecco post a few hours later haha)
but also cute to see some bunch of friends/mutuals in the likes, in addition to artists i follow...

randomly saw the northern lights yesterday late evening, from my window, didn't even know they were active enough at that time til seeing the faint green glow (maybe i should sign up for the estonian aurora forecast site's notifs mailinglist...ok tho there's an english version of the site too)... but my phone also captured a bit of purple with the longer expo (10 sec). debated for a hot minute whether to wake up my parents for it (it was 11pm; my mom had semirecently mentioned how she's wanted to see the aurora), did end up doing so. cute. heres one of the pics i got:

at the pond of my parents' garden. chilling on one of them garden chairs, listening to music from the small wireless speaker i got (oli xl, naturally..not loudly tho). there's some fish in the pond, just fed them some flakes. some frogs and bugs about too, saw this really big dragonfly too... and it's nice sunny weather today, not too hot, the wind got some chill to it. my parents are away for the weekend rn, visiting one of my halfbrothers, so i've been tasked to water the hanging pot plants (strawberry plants and miscellaneous flowers) sometime tonight or tomorrow.

i got rather overstimulated from work today, so i'm just winding down really, or something. wasn't a bad day or anything, just busy at times while i was soloing the day, and one of the fluorescent lights near the checkout is busted to the point of bare occasional blinks on since yesterday though this annoyed me much much more yesterday... i'm glad i can get some alone time at home tho.

looking at the carrot bed right now, tempted to grab a few. and maybe some more strawberries too.

much of (human) existence feels intensely arbitrary to me as of recent...read the other day someones thought about how weeks are entirely a manmade Concept, and it's kind of stuck to my mind. most shit these days feels so arbitrary so may well spend time with what matters more, innit...i don't know. im intensely a creature of habit, but at the same time i rly gotta kick my ass bout shifting some stuff etc. will see. (at least i've managed to be cleaning the cat litter box more often these days, which is good)

and i've been listening to music much much more narrowly (+ a bit less) as of late - maybe as some type of coping mechanism for routine-y life, esp on top of how some of oli xl's music kind of switches my mind to some type of second gear that can handle same-y everyday life much more easily or something lmao idk, just feels nice in a way...and discovering new stuff takes (mental) energy, even just if picking out something from the backlog, and currently feeling like i gotta conserve it.

also it's already dim outside, the sun set nearly an hour ago...it's time to attempt to get used to earlier darktime once again, but i'm fine with this...i like the change of seasons, as i've probably said in here prior. and an excuse to eventually light something or other of the scented tea candles i got on the regular haha, and/or have the fairy lights on more of the time, it's cute stuff.

i've got thru 3 of my 5 library books by now, which is nice. i should bring back the ones i've read thru, but i simply haven't been passing by the current library whereabouts as of late cos i'd have to go out of my way a bit to end up there, and i'm not bothered to haul the books with me to work y'know. but maybe could tomorrow...and drop off the books on my way home.
i played some what the golf on my switch just earlier, over a long while. was fun for a change. honestly might whirl up mario kart more too while im at it

pinch ponch first of the month...feels a little strange that summer is ending! but at the same time it may be nice...cos i do enjoy the change of the seasons.

x-l.love and skyscanner.net remains a lethal combination, though it was a friend that pinged me to an event in november with oli in the lineup lmao (though oli had added the event to his site too, so i would've discovered it via there eventually), i'm heavily tempted but will see if i can snag tix and if i'm bothered to :O (boiler room festival so there Might be vids of the sets after the fact !)

on work fridays i like walking past the town sauna after work, while it's open (it's open on friday and saturday afternoons/evenings)...something about seein it bein open makes me very happy.