when this thing was named 'journal'

fri, jan 12 ~ 11pm

i got opera mini 4.1 working on my old nokia 2630 phone... now i can do very barebones browsing on it again just like in the days of yore - used to tweet off that thing back when it was my main phone, so from 2009 (when i made a twi acc) to like 2012

enjoy this:

thu, jan 11 ~ 8pm

still been an average life of either wake up, breakfast, work, dinner, pet cat, fuck around, sleep or on offdays wake up, fuck around, eat, [repeat as needed], rest, sleep

a bit of a fixation(?) on drilling thru my listening backlog, and i'm almost done(!) with the strictly-bandcamp bit of it (though i have some littered elsewhere that i could probably funnel into there too), has resulted in a slightly amusing view on my lastfm top artists chart this year of Oli XL Beacon Above The Rest for now, but i'll get around to savoring my other faves more too for sure

at work today i switched some stuff between places at the shop out of boredom, while i waited for my phone to charge after having checked out some things from the listening backlog via sneaky earbud... brought the grass seed bags closer to the other seedstuffs up front in place of handleless tool ends (tho i kept the rakes in place for now cos those make sense near grass seed bags), which i brought to the far back corner near tools with long handles (rakes, shovels snow and regular, outdoor brooms, etc)... the switchout idea was the manager's, to deal with after the xmas stuff is put away she said, but i was very bored, but yet to finalize the switchings cos now theres actually space to bring the broom/whatever handles to the far corner too, will simply need to clear out the corner a bit first... but readjusting the storage room tmrw feels a bit more urgent cos we have a whole pallet of sowing compost/soil coming in soon and need space for that lol

already lowkey look forward to the start-of-april 1.5-week workbreak tho for some reason (maybe general yearning for spring/summer...)
altho im gonna see mechatok in tallinn(!!!!!) in a couple weeks which is gonna be cooooooooool cos it's been a while since i actually last saw him dj (oct 2022). and a couple ppl i know via online are flying in for it from glasgow which is cool too :') cos usually it goes in the direction of flying out from smaller to larger places for events so its cute to b able to behold the opposite happening. i still need to look at bus tickets for to-fro tallinn tho - least no dire need for accomms cos the event is gonna last til morning and ill just sleep on the bus home (or maybe train+bus ? the venue's closer to the railway station)

somehow ive been in the mood of listening to ribbon bone (silk chaser ver in particular) by oli xl and instupendo on loop at times recently... something about it hitting different these days.
drop yr head from yr shoulders / focus, pay attention

bob is on my campsite in acnh today, i checked in the morning before work. and i don't think i have any lazy villagers right now... i got two normals [merengue and lily but i love em both] and two smugs [pietro and henry]. might try to get bob in but idk who id want to be replaced cos ive had pietro for ages [the only villager ive had for longer is teddy who was my very first one... :')] but henry is nice too... Will See!
very prompt upd: lol i forgot i have two big sister ones too [fuchsia and quinn] until bob asked about quinn and i dont mind that tbh. Bob Time

sun, dec 31 ~ 9:30pm

so ive been chillin at the aforementioned closest friend's (parents') place since yesterday now and til tomorrow. it's nice for a change. played spirit island on tabletop sim w the friend til 4am yesterday (i did not know of the game prior), after some miscellaneous goofery
(i simply just wanted to be away from my home/parents' for a bit haha, and from the fireworks overwhelm tho who knows what the neighbors of hereabouts will do)

not been bothered to think deep on new year's stuff to write down about cos my head/eyes hurtin a bit from all the lookin at screen... i only know i yearn for the upcoming oli xl album and for the summer and for maybe learning to ride a bike finally (if i dont get intimidated by the learning curve)

tue, dec 26 ~ 1am

can't sleep rn. been feeling lonely much of the past day, and heavyhearted too for some of it now. living in some relatively peripheral area... and having to almost always be the one to reach out and not the one reached out to (wrt local friends), it's a bit tiring in a sense. i guess my mind being a bit dramatic rn or some shit idk. but im just lonely.
(gotta ask my closest friend what they doin on new yr's eve n if i could come over, cos theyre in the area rn)

sun, dec 24 ~ 6:30pm

some thought fragments

• wasnt stressful this year around, most of the familybeing was yesterday, 3 of my 4 brothers came by, two w their significant others (the remaining one was at his wife's parents' presumably), one w a kid too. no gift shenanigans fortunately, cos not in my parents' spirit to fuck around with all that. simply tired me out a bit socially, i ended up sleeping like 11 hours or something
• need to cook gingerbreads from the remaining dough from a little over a month ago still haha, will see maybe sometime around now
• my period hit on fri/sat some days earlier than the expected bracket of days, the first day always annoying painwise but for me most of the time it's just annoying (i mostly use menstrual cup + reusable pads, but w the underwear i have the latter tend to ride up my butt whenever i walk more... i do need comfier underwear tbh), at least this means i won't have to deal with this around new year's
• continuing to go thru the bandcamp part of my listening backlog
• upside-down thermos jug on the kitchen counter; electric kettle and toaster having to alternate on sharing one outlet of the four in that area
• [blows raspberry prolongedly and unamusedly]

wed, dec 20 ~ 10am

for starters: currently listening (again; have known of it for a while) to this cursedly glitched remix of üle ilma by curly strings, the remix goes fucking hard ngl

the other weekend i went to check out a lil underground art fair thing in tartu, hosted by ajuokse, got some bunch of stickers, a print of this in a3 (Literally Perfect Addition To My Wall), a lil book that is for now a secret who-knows-when gift cos it is literally perfect for a certain fam member, the bottommost of these delightful things, some other bits and bobs... also went to see a fresh minidocumentary of this estonian band im a lil bit of a fan of, lonitseera, about how they recorded their xmas album they released like a month ago now haha, was a fun watch
now thinking about how to put my sticker collection onto my wall in a way that would not spend them - might probably put some tape behind each sticker or sheet twosidedly and just put em up like that. cos i have some really really really nice stickers and all

hopefully the xmastime this yr around wont be too stressful on me. genuinely mentally preparing for it lowkey.

mon, feb 27 ~ 9pm

ole mundane existence been takin my energy as of late really, so not been any updates on my site, but not apologetic bout that... plus i went on the lil weekend trip to berlin which i mentioned about in here a bit, got the classic bounce from the berghain/panorama bar door (new sneek-proverb, for facing inconveniences: "well at least it's no being bounced after waiting 3.5 hours in berghain queue in shitty weather for a lineup you rly liked" lmao), but also still saw malibu, of the french and ambient kind, live ! and briefly got to meet ecco there instead haha

and also have managed to catch some sort of coldbug probably from mom AGAIN, sitting here with a variably mildly fucked up throat and now a runny nose as well. but my manager still on sick leave with headaches, hopefully returning from fri, so i'm sort of just trying to cope best i can haha, but i'll get back in the groove of fiddling w the lil site and whatnot some more down the line, after i get a lil better healthwise

been having this rolling memo widget on my phone homescreen of planning out my days, trying to have some type of routine, though living with my parents throws some cogs into that mostly mentally which is ass but it's whatever, i'll deal. lots of emojis in there atm, i do like my silly little images

mon, feb 06 ~ 9pm

the wintry feeling slowly starting to back away... finally still light again at 4pm, 5pm, and slowly getting lighter by the day. but whether i'm ready to slowly pick up slack is a different question. though i do feel a bit of spring in my heart by now

i don't feel like i've been up to much lately... mostly just maintenant existence, possible slow improvements, occasional indulgin' in life's fine things

thinkin about how to expand upon the music enjoyin page on my site, and i have some thoughts for sure

tue, jan 24 ~ 9pm

looking forward to an event im catching in a month...! though ecco2k was added to its lineup today so i swear if i have to jokingly fight ppl in the queue bc im literally arriving maybe like 2 hrs prior to event start and would like to get in too hahahahah (id probably just talk their heads off about oli xl instead, cuz the event has oli too)
very excited all the same... maybe i could finally give ecco a paper crane...!

as for the everyday, it's been... everydaily.

have been doing this dumb triplewield of flight rising / youtube / tiny rails, saw someone on the fr forums mention tiny rails in a thread about someone asking for mobile game recs, it made me remember i tried it out a bit once and liked it aaaaand now im big into it in this type of semi-idle setup of it hahah
and at least this way my youtube watch later list finally getting some attention too...

thu, jan 19 ~ 12am

i like how this is a little genre of screenshot i have (2023 vs 2016 vs 2012):

last.fm desktop scrobbler pulling through in all of them which is fun to see, and all these parallels and yet differences too

wed, jan 11 ~ 11pm

the everyday: back at work since yesterday, though had today off, although my throat still troubles me a little bit but i'm able to be out and about. i should drink more tea and get some generic throat-soothing pastille thingies from store or pharmacy... could probably drop by omw home from work tmrw

the music enjoying: i generally say im an albums / artists oriented person and generally dont shuffle but its more that i do enjoy shuffling thru my established library, its just that i dont discover well on shuffle u get me
(my first couple of oli xl listens were actually through mobile spotify forced-shuffle in dec 2020 when i was 1) into ecco2k a lot and 2) on free spotify and spitefully not wanting to pay full [im on a friends family plan since round then] ... i wonder what i thought about the songs back then, on cursory listen ?)

the shy: i want to abridge the journal entry with the slowed cartoon smile emotional moment describin, snip some of the pre-context... but i guess first write it over into my physical personal diary in its unabridged form, to preserve it. feels silly to be so softly vulnerable online!

sun, jan 08 ~ 11am

feeling a bit better now/currently. it really is just step by stupid tiny step towards more ideal circumstances, no other choice, is there

finally got to the load of laundry, too, it should finish soon, maybe i can put it to dry before my parents get back (update: did manage to)

sat, jan 07 ~ 10pm

heart feels heavy atm because of some stupid stuff but it'll pass...

thu, jan 05 ~ 10pm-11pm

i just had this insanely emotional moment.

so, i was listening to oli xl slowed down to like 50% or so, regular slowing pitch unaffected, through foobar2k (it's neat it has the options to manipulate music like that in realtime). was just sort of getting lost in the intricacies slowed down like this... from some point onward i was lying down on my bedroom floor as i listened, on top of my blanket all piled up, in this half-fetal pose next to my laptop on its stand. and went even slower at some point, maybe listenin at 25%, felt rlly soft, rlly relaxed...

queued cartoon smile up next on a last-second whim. it's well established itself as one of my biggest comfort songs of current, as is clear from my little zineshrine for it, though i'd been feeling it waning a bit into the background, which is fair with songs sometimes of course. but this time...

as i was lying down, in this really really relaxed and a lil bit tenderhearted state, letting the song wash over me in its significantly slowed state... it made me feel like... a little field of flowers somehow, with all its whole tiny little ecosystems within, on a clearish summer morning, or evening, wind rustling through a bit, lit up by the gentle sun. ticking by its own little rhythms.

and i felt really overwhelmed, by this feeling of... oneness with nature or the world, or something. i don't know, i can't really put into words the sheer effect this had on me, but it felt really significant, really special, and unexpected, and it had me crying, from this... simultaneously complex and yet so simple joy, and love.

on this evening, 10pm, with all my lights automatically shut off by then, but outside this dark warmth and safety of my room a cold clear night, moonlit, not directly visible from my window but could clearly see it shining upon surfaces outside. and tomorrow forecasting a sunny day, as was for some of today over a longer while as well.
and me, feeling better than i've been -- throat not sore anymore, only a bit sensitive -- able to enjoy (en-joy...) existing a lil more again.

and other people directly around me, mostly safe in their own little realms, their own little interior cocoons at this time of night... me, safe in mine.

i simply needed to put this tender state into words...
(read as: hi world i <3 you i felt safe to share this with you i'm so glad i can)

mon, jan 02 ~ evening

been busy coughing this year... my throat having this dumb stupid redness and easily-irritability this is hell. can barely even enjoy this sick-leave time off work bc of that. maybe i ought to just. look at things or listen to things bc i cant rlly make things much in this coughy state
but got a prescription from my gp which should hopefully target the throat a bit
and at the very least i enjoyed my last moments of 2022

tue, dec 27 ~ 6pm

listening to Legendary Estonian Pop Singer Anne Veski rn its kind of fun haha
i feel too shy to want to keep up the longer-form journaling, don't know why. anyway 3 days of work comin up (i mean, it's just a silly cycle of some days of work some days off really) but its gonna be chill probably. so thats alright enough
might take this impending new year's as an excuse to attempt to shift some of my habits. tho i gotta keep in mind that i can't do these things overnight yadda yadda bla bla
at least i finally added some links in the garden on here !! lil advancements.

sun, dec 25 ~ 9:30pm

merry miscellaneous festive times of year to whoever might celebrate !
might try go for less frequent more longform silly journaling in here... maybe. will see how it works out, tho an average mundane week's thoughts n feelings n memories tend to all just blend together generally. and also i tend to get awfully rambly sometimes which may make things a bit more difficult to read lmao but fuck it i ball tbh

anyway, didnt manage to make any extra dough as i said i wanted to, havent had the energy to even make gingerbreads from the existing stuff either, but theres time so im not worrying about that. kind of survived my halfbro's fam's stay mentally (theyre leaving tomorrow)
though yesterday [bc in estonia we generally celebrate on xmas eve] ... yesterday was sort of unnecessarystressmas. i arrived the family lunch like 20min late so i felt a bit left out bc everyone else had already finished with the main stuff, tho at least i got to eat the dessertstuff together w em haha; had pics taken w mom n all her handful of kids incl me, i hope they keep the blooper-y pics those r the most fun ones; anyway, i felt vaguely bad for the little ones (nephew n niece, im awful with ages so idk how old they exactly are but id say around 5 and 3?) they got so overburdened with the xmas gifts haha. after this tomfoolery, round 6pm, i wanted to wash the dishes to sort of destress, but my mom was already in the process of that so i just sort of sank into bed to be with my cat (poor fella also bit stressed, from the kidpresence) n didnt leave til 10am the next day
today was okayer, went to some local skiing centre thing w halfbro's fam so i could keep watch of the niece n sled a bit while the others ski, was pretty alright

the week in general was also pretty ok, pretty mundane, didn't really feel like xmas week to be honest ... the one distinct stupid thing thats stuck to my memory was getting another visit at the shop i work at from some dense older man regular customer who keeps kind of trying to flirt with me? and gifting me a rose on occasion, this time a box of candies too. nice gift from the completely wrong kind of person, bro could be my father hes probably old enough, and i say dense because im, first of all, a 20something, and second of all, frequently wear rainbow pants which is such a clear sign of queerness that i once had kids call out on the gayness of my fit on two unrelated moments of a long walk LMAO

oh yeah and i assembled the little storage cabinet thing pretty soon after mentioning it here, got to shove all my socks and undies from a box on the windowsill into one of its drawers so that's really nice.

have been carrying this stupid lazy mashup idea in my head since last december - 12 days of xmas (edit: looked it up, the bing crosby version) x hesitate by oli xl. last december at work i would listen to stuff from one earbud a lot, and once happened upon the brainmelting moment of those two playing simultaneously, one from the radio, one from my earbud. and the tempos matched up p much perfectly lol

intents for the coming week...
make the gingerbreads at some point, fix up the sleeve ends of a woollen sweater i have a little better, do laundry (have had a load of it developing, plus want to give away some clothes too and wash them prior too).
see about... sleeping through new year's midnight for once, i want to ring it in more blissfully. maybe like.. head out very early morning, maybe to the beach. lil sparkler, oli-xl-cartoon-smile.mp3...

wed, dec 21 ~ 6pm nearly

slightly obsessed with the new addition to my keychain (the golden prong looking thing, which i discovered exists in the shop i work at)

because look...secretly a tiny screwdriver! (why i would need a tiny screwdriver on my person at all times i dont know but also just idk i liked the look and feel of it too haha)

mon, dec 19 ~ 11pm

dont think i have much time this week to much fiddle with my site even tho i have ideas n wanna !! needa drag my brain along the everyday, make gingerbreads (and maybe addtl gingerbread dough) sometime, clean my room bit by bit and possibly help w cleaning elsewhere... in addition to workin (have thurs off so theres that at least)

maybe i could proceed thus

• attempt making gingerbread dough either tues evening or wednes evening, though parental presence poses a mild challenge bc i prefer to get up to major cooking shenanigans while theyre not home
• i guess i could leave the possible help-clean idleness energy onto thurs, because need the stuff clean by fri evening or something
• well and cleaning my own room bit by bit as i go along, while listening to music ! and some decorating too, i bought some deco today.
• and still the tryin not to just sit around on discord or something...

and then i have sunday off (as usual) and monday and tuesday as well, can rest... and set up the lil storage cabinet type thingy i bought today, wooden frame and nonwoven clothy type storageboxes. (Likelihood Of Children Within Xmas Guests and not sure of how sturdy it would stand in the hands of A Child. and i can figure out til then what to store inside it)

tue, dec 13 ~ 10pm

thoughts like wind:
rinsed my face with cold water, for a blip thought myself into summer where i would appreciate the sensation of cold water more than now (but its nice even now)
could probably ponder more upon this but im not bothered to, currently

the everyday:

• got tired of pasta for lunch for workdays for now, currently making basic lil wraps into plastic to-go boxes ... will see where i go once i run out of the lil tortillas
• mom organizing a xmas (eve) lunch on 24th, w all my brothers n all, just round when my workday ends lol ... gonna have to mentally prepare
• music balancing: oli xl and his tiny discog and my big fixation, vs the big backlog of stuff i wanna check out and am checking out (currently mainly on bandcamp)
• i went to the reuse centre today, to see if they have any sledtype things (no), got a small skein of colourful yarn and three whole necklaces - one of some sort of pink syntheticlooking beads in two different shapes, one with tiny seashells (real nice touchfeel...), one regular one with a musical note pendant (my brain immediately went [doss reference] It's the music. 🎵), totalled to 2.70€. gonna have to see how to slot the necklaces into my silly lil style

energy levels:
okayer than has been. still gotta put in some effort to try direct this silly aimlessless energy more satisfyingly

thu, dec 8 ~ 11:30pm

feeling nostalgic cuz of google maps local street view history + the current tune im listening to

love some of the rating descriptions on someones rym profile that i stumbled on - 5.0 - lovely jazz / 4.5 - best funk / 4.0 - my best friend / 3.5 - made me grow 3 new leaves / 3.0 - my friend
music that makes me grow new leaves... love

sat, dec 3 ~ 11:30am

winter really nudging me to slow down on all frots this time around, and yet struggling to figure out how to digitally/virtually slow down in ways that wouldn't make my brain wanna explode from vague overwhelm or underwhelm or lack of outlets for expressin itself by rambling or connection or other ways...

(helps that i work at a small gardening n home supplies shop, its peak time is in spring into early summer too. i like it, i've been able to handle it well (despite my patchy gardening knowledge haha). my fave season is the change of seasons really)

got to try dig into handicrafts more
but it's an executive function struggle really
(being on discord eats a lot of my online time (and energy) rn, ought i try a more general break from it; already only visiting it via browser)

my room bit more cluttered than i'd like it to be too rn... but that's several organizatory struggles in a trench coat also

sat, dec 3 ~ 1am

fri, dec 2 ~ 9:30pm

proud of this silly little flight rising dragon i acquired and gened and dressed up

thu, dec 1 ~ 10pm

listening to some stuff on bandcamp to see what i wanna cop tomorrow for bc friday... currently listening to aestum's selftitled album, it's dreamy stuff. (a friend brought it up to me because there are some vox from bobbie orkid who also did the outro voiceover in go oli go! by oli xl...!)
have one more thing lined up after this but i should probably steer myself towards bed instead...will see

i would say its been a lazy day, but i literally went on a three-hour walk today... was quite nice

also v much seen the guestbook comments n appreciate em :')